Stasis Freak
Where to begin? Confusion in my work, frustration in my personal life, guilt in just about every missed commitment to anyone who means anything to me; in recent days, it has all been a cloud.
Nothing seems any clearer, from day to day, and in this state of unknowing I have succumbed to a vague emotional, intellectual and motivational paralysis. If not complete paralysis, then at least a slowing, deduction of motion.
In the blogs I read, in the pictures that are advertised as I walk through London, and in the faces of the commuters on the tube, it seems as though I'm moving in countertime as the world of "other people" casts myriad cinematic lives across the screen of the daily grind.
Even in things that should ignite a response, I have struggled to mount an emotive stance. All I can manage is a calm stare.
Example: I got offered piece of short contract work, at a rate of €800/day, doing telecoms work which I turned down - it wasn't the kind of work I wanted to do, stuff I'd be bored doing and that I know I couldn't personally justify the rate for. Some people can happily take vast sums for work they put little heart into, but I am not one of them (for better or worse).
The money didn't excite me. The thrill of even being approached didn't mark on my barometer of interest. I felt impassive, rational.
This weekend, I went down to Bristol to see my sister and brother-in-law, and spent Saturday being towed along as they made their last baby purchases (pram, cot, basket, steriliser). Being surrounded by so many new-parents-to-be was strangely relieving. It made me feel young, just at the point where I have been foolishly fretting about turning 29 at the end of the year.
On a less numbing curve, my first nephew/niece is due to arrive next month and even as I battle with the apathy of the wider implications of an undistinguished life story so far, inside a genuine excitement wells in anticipation of this new addition. Moreover, I'm totally impressed at my sister's discipline in refusing to learn or divulge the gender of the child, so as to prolong the surprise. Then again, maybe it's not so surprising. She always could leave the presents untampered at Christmas...
Finally, I think I should say thanks to whoever still reads my verbal debris - I'll try to muster something more interesting soon. Please be happy - happiness radiates over many miles, and I may pick up some of those waves if I'm lucky.
Nothing seems any clearer, from day to day, and in this state of unknowing I have succumbed to a vague emotional, intellectual and motivational paralysis. If not complete paralysis, then at least a slowing, deduction of motion.
In the blogs I read, in the pictures that are advertised as I walk through London, and in the faces of the commuters on the tube, it seems as though I'm moving in countertime as the world of "other people" casts myriad cinematic lives across the screen of the daily grind.
Even in things that should ignite a response, I have struggled to mount an emotive stance. All I can manage is a calm stare.
Example: I got offered piece of short contract work, at a rate of €800/day, doing telecoms work which I turned down - it wasn't the kind of work I wanted to do, stuff I'd be bored doing and that I know I couldn't personally justify the rate for. Some people can happily take vast sums for work they put little heart into, but I am not one of them (for better or worse).
The money didn't excite me. The thrill of even being approached didn't mark on my barometer of interest. I felt impassive, rational.
This weekend, I went down to Bristol to see my sister and brother-in-law, and spent Saturday being towed along as they made their last baby purchases (pram, cot, basket, steriliser). Being surrounded by so many new-parents-to-be was strangely relieving. It made me feel young, just at the point where I have been foolishly fretting about turning 29 at the end of the year.
On a less numbing curve, my first nephew/niece is due to arrive next month and even as I battle with the apathy of the wider implications of an undistinguished life story so far, inside a genuine excitement wells in anticipation of this new addition. Moreover, I'm totally impressed at my sister's discipline in refusing to learn or divulge the gender of the child, so as to prolong the surprise. Then again, maybe it's not so surprising. She always could leave the presents untampered at Christmas...
Finally, I think I should say thanks to whoever still reads my verbal debris - I'll try to muster something more interesting soon. Please be happy - happiness radiates over many miles, and I may pick up some of those waves if I'm lucky.
posted by nickwong8 at 10:38 pm
1 Comments:
Ah, Mr. Wong, I am sorry to hear that you feel a bit numb. If it's any consolation, the fact that youre aware of it, and moved to write about it, leads me to believe that (a) youre not as numb as you think, and (b) this too shall pass. Yesterday I tried to write you about your "talent over competence" concerns, and my computer shut down mid-sentence. I was saying something about empathy (what you call "dampening of youth," I call "loss of thunder," etc.), but now I am just left wondering how you sculpting class went. (So: How'd it go?) I went in search of my thunder at an inexpensive darkroom rental, where I was met with the reality that I am a competent, but not a very talented photographer. And maybe I'm shallow, but that doesnt bother me. I think that what we need to fight against is the loss of desire to produce anything--said another way, paralysis frightens me more than lackluster/mediocre/competentbutuntalented production. Doesnt Freud tell us that the two most important things in life are the ability to work, and the ability to love? One thing at a time...
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