Stolen Moments
Ok, I've sneaked away from my desk to write a quick entry - it's office time, but I'm working my final 5 unpaid days before I become accountable to a wage, and this just couldn't wait.
A massive internal storm is mounting in my mind. It has been triggered by the shock realisation at how much not earning over the past six months has eroded my bank balance, even as I have tried to diminish my spending. It's not critical yet, and hopefully shouldn't be as incomings start in six weeks' time, but when you've spent every day since 16 having to eke out earnings to support your living it makes you always aware of perceived financial loss. It's sad, but a fact - as most people do, I worry about money.
The precarity of the work at the Institute is troubling. Funding looks increasingly unlikely in the immediate term, and whilst my director is prepared to pay me a good wage from February, there is no long term security. I also would not want the Institute to spend money to satisfy my wage requirements if the project has limited chances of flying in the next six months.
To add to this conundrum, I heard from Niamh a few days ago, and she mentioned that the higher powers at my old job were asking her to find out if I was planning on returning. At moments when I worry about the bank balance, returning to my old job feels tempting (for all the depression and anger it caused me), and I hate allowing that temptation to appear. It betrays the flaw of insecurity and doubt that flares up sometimes and makes you grit your teeth in shame.
Life sometimes feels a long series of disillusioning events. Euphoria meets the mundane, the mundane turns to insecurity, cracked open by moments of rude, sudden awareness that things have never been as they seemed. Enthusiasm and hope one day can melt into a sense of alienation the next - am I the only one who feels this?
I hope that this turns out to be a temporary lapse of confidence. My fear is that it speaks of a more deep-seated misgivings about what I'm here on earth to do. What is right and what is wrong? I sometimes feel lost in that ethical maze - when I could legitimately make a choice to return, yet cannot decode my emotional response. Do I feel greedy for wanting financial security? Am I capable of compromising my material wants? Is wanting more a bad thing? When is more too much? The needle of the moral compass is spinning, and I am feeling somewhat lost in the doubt...
Let me say, however, that this is being written with an outer calm. Don't get the mental image of me twitching or wringing my hands. That's all happening at a totally different level.
A massive internal storm is mounting in my mind. It has been triggered by the shock realisation at how much not earning over the past six months has eroded my bank balance, even as I have tried to diminish my spending. It's not critical yet, and hopefully shouldn't be as incomings start in six weeks' time, but when you've spent every day since 16 having to eke out earnings to support your living it makes you always aware of perceived financial loss. It's sad, but a fact - as most people do, I worry about money.
The precarity of the work at the Institute is troubling. Funding looks increasingly unlikely in the immediate term, and whilst my director is prepared to pay me a good wage from February, there is no long term security. I also would not want the Institute to spend money to satisfy my wage requirements if the project has limited chances of flying in the next six months.
To add to this conundrum, I heard from Niamh a few days ago, and she mentioned that the higher powers at my old job were asking her to find out if I was planning on returning. At moments when I worry about the bank balance, returning to my old job feels tempting (for all the depression and anger it caused me), and I hate allowing that temptation to appear. It betrays the flaw of insecurity and doubt that flares up sometimes and makes you grit your teeth in shame.
Life sometimes feels a long series of disillusioning events. Euphoria meets the mundane, the mundane turns to insecurity, cracked open by moments of rude, sudden awareness that things have never been as they seemed. Enthusiasm and hope one day can melt into a sense of alienation the next - am I the only one who feels this?
I hope that this turns out to be a temporary lapse of confidence. My fear is that it speaks of a more deep-seated misgivings about what I'm here on earth to do. What is right and what is wrong? I sometimes feel lost in that ethical maze - when I could legitimately make a choice to return, yet cannot decode my emotional response. Do I feel greedy for wanting financial security? Am I capable of compromising my material wants? Is wanting more a bad thing? When is more too much? The needle of the moral compass is spinning, and I am feeling somewhat lost in the doubt...
Let me say, however, that this is being written with an outer calm. Don't get the mental image of me twitching or wringing my hands. That's all happening at a totally different level.
posted by nickwong8 at 2:13 pm
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home